It's Time

Trigger Warning: I'm going to be talking about my experience with anxiety and depression. If you don't want to read about my mental struggles, I completely understand and urge you to turn back now.

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I've been falling through darkness for a while now. When I was a junior in college, I was floating in a pool one night, staring up into a starless, rainy Puerto Rican sky and I realized...I had no clue what I was doing in this life I was leading. And nobody up in that black sky was reaching their hand down to help me. That thought paralyzed me. I got drunk later that night and sobbed over the feeling of security I had suddenly lost. 

I wonder where I'd be right now if that thought, and the much darker ones that followed, hadn't taken over my brain for so long in college. 

I honestly thought I started getting over it after I came out of the closet a bit in the second semester of my senior year. I thought the darkness had passed and I'd be able to move on. I even started thinking about going to Law School and Studying for the LSAT! I got really busy with work and didn't end up taking the test, but I was also doing really well at work. And I loved my job at the time. 

But then my anxiety slapped me in the face again with a full-fledged breakdown this past February. (You can ask Meg about it, I don't remember much of what happened.) My frequent panic attacks came back worse than they were two years ago. I started hating my job and my life and never wanted to get out of bed. I only did because I felt like if I ever took sick days at work, all of my coworkers would despise me -- that pressure was slightly greater than my desire to cocoon myself away. (Most days.) 

There came a point this summer, though, that I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't get through a work day without either crying or having a panic attack. Burnt out at 22, I left my first post-grab job. 

I've spent the past several months getting some much needed R&R and realigning my headspace. I'm doing a lot better, but I have a lot of free time now that I'm not accustomed to. And rather than letting myself sleep or netflix it away like I want to, I'm going to be yanking myself the rest of the way out of this goddnamn depression by adding some structure into my un-scheduled life. I tried halfheartedly to do this last month and failed, but I'm going in with a pre-made plan of attack this time. 

From now until the Dec 20, I'm going to be writing at least 500 words / day, not necessarily a blog post every day, I do have other projects I'm working on, so don't expect daily updates here. I'm going to be doing some sort of exercise every day, be it ballet barre work, running, yoga, or something else. 

I'm detailing this plan here so that I have a whole bunch of people to hold me accountable. 

Expect frequent updates :) 

(If you don't get them at least weekly, you are allowed to pester me.) 

Here's to the next month! 

<3

One last thing -- If anyone read this post and wondered why I didn't talk to them about this while it was going on, I'm sorry. I'm only now learning how to put it into words.