Turning the Pages

I'll be honest, I have no idea what to write about today. I just know that I need to write, and that today is scheduled to be a blogging day.

Yesterday was a Storymatic day. Are you familiar with Storymatic? It's a writing prompt tool. It has two sets of cards, one representing characters and the other representing scenarios. You draw two of each and come up with a story. A couple days / week, my 500 words will be drawn from storymatic cards. Yesterday taught me that I won't necessarily finish a story in 500 words (nor will I have the energy to write much more than that in one sitting...Yet!), but I'll continue the story over several days of writing if I have to and draw new cards when the first tale is done.

Yesterday, I drew the character cards of "Witness" and "One who is bullied." My other two cards were "Homesick" and "An inconvenient phobia." I came up with a character named Max Greeley who's dad runs a summer  camp. Max just turned 8, and it's his first year being able to attend the camp. He's being bullied a bit one his first day by his cabin mate, Nate, who found out he can really irritate Max by mentioning the fact that Max's father runs the camp. Their cabin councilor, Ashton, is going to play a role in the story, but I'm not sure what yet. He's just kind of...creepy, guess. For now. I'm pretty sure he has an interesting relationship with Mr. Greeley, Max's dad.

I'm hoping that the more I make myself write anything, something every day, the easier it will be to access the thoughts that I know I actually want to write about. I don't know why I can't access them immediately. It's like I have a sea of crap in between them and the thoughts that are currently escaping my head. The more important ones need to cook more, maybe. Or I just have to learn how to get this crap out before I can trust myself with other things. I'm not really sure what's happening. I just know that I have more to say than I'm currently able to.  I'm not sure what to do about it yet, but I'm hoping that taking this one small action towards being able to get my thoughts down again will help. I've also been making sure to journal a little something every day, which has been very helpful. I carry it and a few books with me pretty much everywhere I go.

Other than my writing block, I'm bopping along just fine...I work in an hour and a half, so naturally I'm still cocooned  in bed with a bowl of cereal. (Even though I work on Sundays, I still deserve a lazy Sunday morning!) I have lofty plans of buying some cat litter after work tonight, and maybe drinking some cheap wine or something...who knows.

One thing I do know is that I've successfully written at least 500 words for the past three days, and if that's not progress, I don't know what is :)

-K

It's Time

Trigger Warning: I'm going to be talking about my experience with anxiety and depression. If you don't want to read about my mental struggles, I completely understand and urge you to turn back now.

*  *  *

I've been falling through darkness for a while now. When I was a junior in college, I was floating in a pool one night, staring up into a starless, rainy Puerto Rican sky and I realized...I had no clue what I was doing in this life I was leading. And nobody up in that black sky was reaching their hand down to help me. That thought paralyzed me. I got drunk later that night and sobbed over the feeling of security I had suddenly lost. 

I wonder where I'd be right now if that thought, and the much darker ones that followed, hadn't taken over my brain for so long in college. 

I honestly thought I started getting over it after I came out of the closet a bit in the second semester of my senior year. I thought the darkness had passed and I'd be able to move on. I even started thinking about going to Law School and Studying for the LSAT! I got really busy with work and didn't end up taking the test, but I was also doing really well at work. And I loved my job at the time. 

But then my anxiety slapped me in the face again with a full-fledged breakdown this past February. (You can ask Meg about it, I don't remember much of what happened.) My frequent panic attacks came back worse than they were two years ago. I started hating my job and my life and never wanted to get out of bed. I only did because I felt like if I ever took sick days at work, all of my coworkers would despise me -- that pressure was slightly greater than my desire to cocoon myself away. (Most days.) 

There came a point this summer, though, that I just couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't get through a work day without either crying or having a panic attack. Burnt out at 22, I left my first post-grab job. 

I've spent the past several months getting some much needed R&R and realigning my headspace. I'm doing a lot better, but I have a lot of free time now that I'm not accustomed to. And rather than letting myself sleep or netflix it away like I want to, I'm going to be yanking myself the rest of the way out of this goddnamn depression by adding some structure into my un-scheduled life. I tried halfheartedly to do this last month and failed, but I'm going in with a pre-made plan of attack this time. 

From now until the Dec 20, I'm going to be writing at least 500 words / day, not necessarily a blog post every day, I do have other projects I'm working on, so don't expect daily updates here. I'm going to be doing some sort of exercise every day, be it ballet barre work, running, yoga, or something else. 

I'm detailing this plan here so that I have a whole bunch of people to hold me accountable. 

Expect frequent updates :) 

(If you don't get them at least weekly, you are allowed to pester me.) 

Here's to the next month! 

<3

One last thing -- If anyone read this post and wondered why I didn't talk to them about this while it was going on, I'm sorry. I'm only now learning how to put it into words. 

I Just Learned a Thing!

I have always been in love with water. There's just something about that medium that's freeing to me in a way that air never will be. I move too quickly for air, you see. It's too thin to contain me, so I end up looking wild and jerky whenever I move. Water is thicker. It holds me in place more firmly, caresses me, even, and allows me to take on the guise of grace. I've always been oddly buoyant, too, so I can float in water while exerting no effort. It's the only place I can fully relax all of my muscles -- laying in a bed doesn't feel as good as floating, raftless, through a lazy river.

Here's another, more interesting way that water and I are related: Water let's me see. Most of you probably know that air doesn't let me see very easily. I've had glasses since I was nine months old. One of the main things that's wrong with my vision is that when I fully relax, my left eye crosses. (This is due to an eye condition called esotropia, which for me is a combination of muscle/focusing issues.) Obviously, when my eye crosses, things go blurry. Oddly enough, when I go under water and open my eyes, my vision isn't blurry, and my eyes aren't crossed. (Obviously the water acts like a lens, but why does it have my prescription?!) It's bizarre, and I've never fully understood it.

Until now! 

I've started watching Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey on Netflix. This show is a 2014  reboot of Carl Sagan's show Cosmos that aired in 1980.   I had it described to me once as "Discovery Channel's Planet Earth -- But for EVERYTHING!" And, well, that's a very accurate description. I'm 26 minutes into the second episode, and I've had more mind explosions than I care to recount. I'm ready to go back to Episode 1, pull out a notebook, and take notes. 

Anyways, I just learned about the evolution of the eye, nothing I've ever really thought about before. As it turns out, the eye evolved to help our long, long, long, loooong ago ancestors to survive while they were still only living in water. The first creatures didn't venture out onto land until after the evolution of the eyeball. And, as previously mentioned, water acts like a lens. It bends light. So, when our ancestors first ventured out of water and onto land, they couldn't really see here either! 

So, considering that, evolutionarily speaking, humans haven't been around that long, I guess maybe I just have slightly under-evolved eyeballs. Somehow, characteristics of my eyes survived from the times when we were seeing underwater through today. 

Lucky me :) 

Hey!

Hey Y'all!

I'm alive!  As Kara said in her last post we got really really busy.  It was kind of insane actually how much busier I am now then I thought I was going to be in August.

With the start of November, we ended Phase One at school.  Annnnnnddddddddddd... the moment you've all been waiting for :

My Phase One Final Portfolio~

 Environmental Portrait

(Model credit goes to Gracie from my old dance studio North Country School of Dance!)

Asymmetrical Portrait

(Model Credit goes to Abby Rae also from NCSD!)

                           Showing Motion                                                          Freezing Motion

(Model Credit goes to Sydney, again, from NCSD)          (Model Credit goes to Abi from Hallmark)

Product Shot on Location

                           Shooting with similar colors                  Shooting with contrasting colors
                          (If you didn't know...that's Kara)                     (So's this!)

Outdoor Portrait

Self Portrait

(Don't you just love when old dance costumes come in handy?)

So, there you have it.  These ten photos are my Phase One Final Portfolio.  Kara was a doll and let me photograph her and we had a good time finding pretty locations and making sure each and every picture worked for my assignment.  I had a lot of fun shooting this assignment and even though I was super stressed out (because we had one week to shoot this) I'm glad that everything fell into place.

I hope to be a little more active on the blog again now that Phase Two has started.  And I hope you like my work!

<3

Meg

Hello, again!

Hey!

As you may have noticed, this blog went absent for quite some time. A lot of that had to do with the fact that Meg and I moved into a new apartment and got busy, and then it had to do with the fact that we didn't install wifi until a few weeks ago, and then I had to spend a lot of time figuring out a standard schedule for myself so that I can do adult things like work and laundry, as well as child things like watch Gilmore Girls on Netflix!

But I'm here and I'm still queer ready to actually try out this writing-things-down-for-all-to-see thing more regularly.

I'm not sure how present Meg will be, since she's really busy with her photo program, but we'll at least be sure to get some of her pictures up here for ya'll to see on occasion. I, on the other hand, work at a coffee shop that's a two minute walk away from my apartment...You'll be hearing from me again soon.

:)

Kara + Ballet = OW OW OW OW

For those of you who didn’t know, Meghan was a dancer for about seventeen years.  (Notable performances include Alice in her dance company’s rendition of Alice in Wonderland and Velma Kelly in her town’s production of Chicago…I like to brag about her.)  Anyways, this training has left Meghan with a sense of poise and grace that dancers tend to acquire.

I, on the other hand, have a motto: Kara Doesn’t Dance.

I am the opposite of poised. My mother used to very sarcastically call me her “little gazelle” as I tripped and stumbled through life, banging elbows on doorways that had been there my entire life, and falling up the (thankfully carpeted) staircase.  I have permanent bruises on my knees from falling down so often. My posture is shit, and I know it – I try to blame it on the fact that I was a swimmer for so long and “swimmers just have bad posture!” – but really I’m just lazy and don’t feel like changing my ways.

I was perfectly content stumbling through life in this manner, but the trouble is that I’m also starting to get into yoga and meditation. These things require stillness and control that I have never even attempted to learn. (They also require a flexibility that is far beyond my nature.)  In order to aid me in the process towards reaching my gazelle-like potential that my mother always knew I had in me…………..Meghan is giving me dance lessons. 

We’re starting off with the basics and just doing bar routines – pliés and such. And, dear lord, I have never been in so much pain. Remember, this is coming from someone who was a competitive long-distance swimmer since age six. Doing basic dance movements that six-year-old ballerinas can do reduces me to a shaking, sweating mess within minutes.  I am learning how to control muscles that I never knew I had. 

The benefits have not yet become automatic, but I have already noticed an improved awareness in what my body is doing when it is doing it, which is good, right?

Here’s hoping it pays off in the end!

-K

Apparently Legally Blonde sparks a lot of rampage in my brain

When I was a senior in high school I had a fabulous friend who introduced me to the Legally Blonde, the Musical! Soundtrack..  Kara and I have travelled a lot in the past couple of days what with moving and all.  I’m sure we’ve listened to the soundtrack at least 8 times in the last three car rides alone. (Without counting when we spontaneously break out into song when we’re doing other things).

So because we are in love with Elle and wanted to be lazy and not unpack we decided to watch Legally Blonde the movie.  And all I have to say is:

Why isn’t Elle Woods held up as a role model for girls? 

Because even though she proves herself with sheer determination we as an audience still take her for granted.  She’s just some cute blonde who no one really expects to amount to anything other than being “a Victoria’s Secret model”.  Kara and I discussed tonight during the film about how much more determined Elle is in the movie than in the musical.  In the musical, Elle goes to Harvard for love, and she gets in because she convinces the board that her love is a strong enough reason to get into law school.

But that’s not how movie Elle does it.  No, she gets into Law school with a 179 on her LSATs and not because she had to convince someone higher up that she was worthy, (*ahem* Warner Huntington III).  In the film Elle works her ass off.  She gets her head in the game and her nose in the books. 

WHY ISN’T THAT OUR FIRST INSTINCT WHEN WE ARE FACED WITH A CHALLENGE??

The moment that movie Elle realizes that she will never be enough for Warner, there’s a look on her face where she’s realized that she doesn’t need to waste her time on someone who doesn’t believe in her.  Whereas in the musical Emmitt has to literally force her to “Get a chip on her shoulder.” 

Why did the musical need to take away the determination and true tenacity that movie Elle shows.  Why does there have to be a dashing rescue by the handsome quirky upperclassmen (not that it’s a bad thing…) but movie Elle gets the guy by being herself and kicking ass at the same time.

We need to teach our children to believe in themselves.  And to stay positive like Elle does.  If they really focus on something and think positively there isn’t anything in their way but themselves. 

Honestly, how many times have you thought to yourself,

“Oh, I’ll start that project later.”

“Tomorrow, I’ll have more inspiration.”

“Oh, I have no time for that now.”

How much longer are we going to stand in our OWN way of going after our dreams?  When are we going to realize that later and tomorrow and the time to start is TODAY?  Even better, it’s right now.  Hell, it was five minutes ago.

About a month ago Kara and I spent a couple of hours perusing the psychology section at Barnes and Nobles.  During my search I came across The Magic by Rhonda Byrne.  This book is a spinoff of her book The Secret.  Since we’ve moved to Greenfield I’ve been slowly paging through this book and it’s the weirdest thing.  The whole book is about “How to bring the magic back into your life”, and anyone who knows me knows that I’m a sucker for magic. 

But it wasn’t like the magic I imagined.  Byrne tells you in practically the first sentence.  The magic in life is gratitude.  In just the couple of days we’ve been here practicing gratitude continuously I can honestly say that I feel happier.  Yes there are things that are stressful in our life, but we know what we’re dealing with and choosing not to dwell on the hardships we’re facing but instead look forward with a smile and a heck of a lot of hope.  For the first time in the last 6 years I feel true hope for my future.  This photo program I’m starting IN TEN DAYS (!!!) is going to give me a way to not only express myself but also have a potential to make money.  I’ve never had that before.  When I wanted to be a teacher life seemed easier because the world will always need more teachers.  There was going to be a somewhat steady income from the first couple of jobs.  But the world doesn’t need very many more artists, actors, singers, dancers, photographers and general creative beings.  And so being in college in a major that I loved but didn’t know how the hell I was going to make a living after college.  But now that I have faith and determination (like Elle. (see I knew it was gonna come full circle) I know that these 10 months are going to be phenomenal, and I will not let anyone, especially myself, stand in the way of my life.

P.S. KARA SAYS WE CAN GET A KITTEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Kara’s edit: I SAID WE COULD GET IT AFTER I BECOME EMPLOYED, NOT YET. (But…you know…hopefully soon. Very soon.)]

Ta-ta

M<3